NOOOOooOoOoOOOOOOo!!!11!!!1!!1!1!!!!

Dammit.
Dammit.
Dammit.

MOVIE TITLES IN THE 7th Dimension

ATTENTION: IT IS WORTH MENTIONING THAT A CERTAIN PERSON HAS INFORMED ME THAT MY METHOD OF WRITING, UTILIZING NEITHER SPELLCHECKER NOR PROOFREADING, WHILE CONSTANTLY JUMPING FROM PRESENT TO FUTURE TO PAST TENSE IN THE SAME SENTENCE AND LONG RUN ON SENTENCES WITH TOO MANY HYPHENS ARE CAUSING UNDO STRAIN UPON HIS/HER POOR UNDERDEVELOPED BRAIN. LET US ALL JOIN AND LAUGH AT THE CROMAGNON.



Multiple awesome things happened to me yesterday. All involving movie titles.

Movie titles, in and of themselves, have become quite awesome as a stand-alone product lately. Long gone are the days of sequential, sense-making, nomenclature such as Weekend at Bernie's and the often-lauded and Academy-Award-winning Weekend at Bernie's 2 (or II if you're into Roman numerals).

Now, we have been thrust into the future, where everything must be hyper-awesome and ultra-awesome. Regular awesome just doesn't cut it for your regular movie goer.

Crank, for example, is a movie that I thought was pretty good for what it was. It seemed to be a fairly popular and well-liked movie within its target demographic.

I wouldn't say that I was EXCITED when I saw the start of the sequel to Crank's trailer, but I was something between amused and excited, maybe even leaning a bit more towards excited. Now, obviously, such an awesome movie cannot be called Crank 2. That is just not fucking cool enough. Most kids I know would rather die then go to a movie with a 2 at the end of it. The new thing in grade school that i've been hearing about instead of wedgies is just to draw multiple "2"s on the bully-ee or the bullied (whatever the correct terminology is..... bullion?)

The number 2 has seen a dramatic decrease in popularity over the years. When we go to the bathroom, we take a "Number 2". Most mother's are no longer happy with just having 2 kids, they need to have 16. I won't even get started with the mind-melting phenomenon of 2Girl1cup.... but I digress.

I tried to think of all of the possible names for the sequel before the end of the trailer as it obviously would not be called Crank 2 (this is something of a pastime for me). Cranked, Crunk, Cranked again!, More Crank!, Cranked up! (i kinda like that one), Crankk (see theres 2 k's, cause its the sequel), Crank me up, Scotty!, Crank-Amy Smart gets boned in public again!.... I started to run out of ideas, but felt pretty strongly about my selections. What they decided on was Crank - High Voltage, which I guess makes sense because the point of the movie is he needs to electrocute himself a bunch, meh. Ok i guess. I still like my ideas better, maybe I should consider a job in the movie naming industry (assuming that is in fact an industry, and not just one guy who names all the sequels, like the one announcer who does all the movie trailers. I mean seriously, what the hell is going to happen when he retires or dies? It will be the end of film as we know it).

Back to my original point, assuming I had one, is that I saw 2 (!) awesome things yesterday that concern movie titles. The first is the new sequel to the fast and the furious. Before I say what it is, let's go over the movie's history.

The Fast and the Furious - this is the first movie

2 Fast 2 Furious - ohhhhh i see what you did there.... bad ass

The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift - this led me to believe at first that it would be a direct sequel to the first as it doesn't have a 3 in it and has a little subtitle after the name of the first movie, but no, it is just as unrelated as 2 Fast 2 Furious (except Vin Diesel being in the last 30 seconds of the movie. I'm not willing to peg that as a direct sequel)

And now we reach the 4th 'The Fast and the Furious' movie which is titled..... 'Fast and Furious'

This confused the hell out of me.

So apparently someone came up with the new rule that by dropping the word "The" from the ORIGINAL movie can serve to tell you that this is in fact the 4TH movie. Well, maybe it's a re-imagining of the original story with a new cast or something like that.... but it hasn't been long enough since the first to be doing a re-imagining. No, its the first direct sequel to the first the fast and the furious. My mind is blown.



That, by itself, was enough to make my day. But then, almost immedeatly after the "Fast and Furious" trailer was a trailer for a movie that spits in the naming convention of movies as a whole. This daringly-awesomely-named movie is so daring and awesome that I can scarcely bring myself to speak its name. I hope you're sitting down.

This movie is named.... FIGHTING.

FIGHTING.

THE NAME OF THE MOVIE IS 'FIGHTING'.

This is probably the best name that has ever existed for a movie. It's short, it's too the point, it feels almost allegorical. After watching the trailer, I can say that the title does seem to capture the true essence and purpose of this film.... this legendary artistic masterpiece. It's like 8-mile but replace rapping with fighting. If they had called 8-mile 'Rapping' i might have gone to see it. It seems to have not a single identifiable actor from what i've seen so far. I should probably research this but I don't know if I can handle the awesome-overload.

At night, as I try to sleep, my mind delights in a myriad of possibilities that spring forth regarding the future of this sure-to-be franchise of movies which will enslave the world of film and everyone in it. What will they call the sequel!? I can't wait! It CANT be 'Fighting 2'... and it can't be something pansy like 'Fighting: Mega Beat Down'. Maybe they'll just completely blow everyone's mind again and just name the sequel 'Fighting', but maybe use a different typeface for the logo.

I just can't even figure out one good title for the sequel.... but then again, with a name like Fighting, i'm pretty sure the second one is going to have such an awesome name that I couldn't come up with it if I tried.

Now i'm sure we should get ready for all of the people ready to rip off this orgasmic movie title and pervert it for their own diabolic purposes. Movies such as 'Eating', 'Running', 'Beefing', 'Throwing', the action movie 'Shooting', 'Computering', 'Fancypantsing', 'Holdthepickling', and 'Awesomebadassmovienameing' are all just over the horizon, barreling at us at breakface speeds. Prepare yourselves.

FINAL THOUGHTS: Obviously, there has been some kind of paradigm shift in the way that movies are named, maybe the old movie naming guy died and a new, much more badass movie naming guy has taken over. I hope so. I hope he makes a million dollars a minute for that genius that resides in his skull. He should be president... of the world.

The Head of an Ice Dinosaur eats some invisible children

Use your imagination and see the icy dinosaur head as it eats the tender civilians.




Transcript: RAWRR RRAWRR AWRRWRR WARAWRrArawrWRARRRRRRR EATING CIVILIANS RAWRAWR

That part at the end when i got ice in my car kinda sucked.

JAY MUST SIGN THIS FORM BECAUSE THE HOOTERS WAITRESS PROVED I WAS CORRECT ABOUT THE MICHAEL JACKSON ROBOT THAT SAVES CHILDREN

^topic

JAY - just leave a comment in the comment section with your name to "sign" the form. I told you i was going to print it and carry it with me forever. bwuahahaha.

ADDENDUM: Is that some kind of modified shocker he's doing there? It's pretty boss.

Sushi-go-round? More like Shitty-sushi-go-russian-roulette-round

What is a Sushi-go-round you ask? Well gather 'round children. I will tell you of the Sushi-go-round.

A Sushi-go-round is a restaurant near my place of current employment which serves sushi in a surprisingly fresh and super futuristic manner. It is to be feared and respected. Like a jaguar. Or an angry hippopotamus (google that if you don't believe me). A robo-conveyor belt is placed throughout the restaurant and as the food is prepared, it is placed on the conveyor belt. How novel! This way, you pick only the plates you want (the monetary cost is coded by the color of the plates. The payment extracted from your soul, however, is immeasurable, and promises you nothing but an eternity of misery and anguish), and never have to worry about eating something that doesn't look good. The problem is that what you see in these chameleon sushi bastards is not what you get. But I am getting ahead of myself.

ADDENDUM: After driving past the Sushi-go-round today I noticed that i have been miscommunicating the name. It is actually called "Sushi-go-Around" which makes little to no sense. You don't call it a Merry-go-around, its a merry-go-'round. You could probably even leave out the apostrophe without angering the masses of drooling pud-pullers masquerading as sushi afficionados. This raises the restaurant's overall fail-o-meter by 3 and a half facepalms.

I already found it difficult to keep my objectivity which, as a food reporter and reviewer, is the very backbone of my being. But I trudged though my usual review points but they quickly devolved into screaming and cursing.

The asian-american decor was a welcome departure from the completely non-japanese japanese decor i have come to expect from a sushi restaurant. This place has plasma screen t.v.s that show the chef creating your tasty delights and also shows the most recent in chinese soap operas. Upon actually experiencing the food and tasting it, I felt a range of emotion from happiness to sadness only comparable to when Michael Clarke Duncan got zapped at the end of Green Mile *END SPOILER*. All of the remaining happiness was quickly replaced with sadness when plate after plate of sushi waged warfare on my taste buds. Despite the misgivings and general malaise that continued to fill my body, I knew that in the name of science, and for the good of mankind, that I must persevere in the face of adversity.

The most impressive feat that this conveyor belt accomplishes, other than conveying items on it's belt (which it is quite good at), is it's ability to promptly ruin all of the food that is placed upon it. A computer A.I. program determines which plates are meant to be hot and cold, and uses an advanced and computer controlled algorhythm to heat and cool said plates. The unfortunate part of this is that computers despise their human overlords and seek to spite them at every opportunity. The normally cool-to-room-temperature sushi rolls are heated and the fish becomes a primordial ooze nestled atop a dry tasteless patty of seemingly week-old white rice. It's appearance mottled and discolored by the pawing fingers of patrons who have not yet learned to fear and respect the sushi before them. At the same time, all of the warm and/or fried foods have been cryogenically frozen and possibly soaked in a bowl of dish-towel-water to eliminate all warmth and crunchiness. I can't imagine anything at more polar opposites than a warm crunchy dish (which would be delicious) being transformed into a cold mush. I did not know that it was possible to have some kind of fried food that was not delicious, but today I have experienced it. Whoever created this restaurant must have spent a long time on their Mission Statement:

MISSION STATEMENT: WE AT THE SUSHI-GO-AROUND DO HERE-BY PLEDGE TO PROVIDE THE COLDEST, SLIMIEST FRIED FOOD AND UNREFRIDGERATED UNCOOKED FISH WHICH FEELS AS THOUGH IT WAS WARMED IN THE ARMPIT OF A TRUCK DRIVER WELL AFTER IT'S EXPIRATION DATE.

I know now I will never be the same and I say a prayer for my children's children that they will never have to know the depths of sorrow and agony that were experienced by the brave customers who enter the Sushi-go-AROUND and never return from it's tepid, murky depths.

I could not stop thinking that this restaurant was like playing a game of russian roulette and decided to expound upon the subject. I assigned my intern, Esquilito, to infiltrate the underground Russian Roulette games throughout the world and to report back to me any similarities that he could draw between that and sushi-go-round.

Esquillito was killed 3 days into his assignment. Apparently he became completely obsessed with the game and refused to do anything other than watch the Deer Hunter (good movie). Finally, he sat down for a game and his life was ended on the first round.

R.I.P. Esquillito

Using his research, I was able to craft this master thesis of how Sushi-go-around and russian roulette are EXACTLY the same. Esquillito, you have not died in vain.

Sushi-go-round vs. Russian Roulette Comparrison. GO!
Try to use your imagination here.

(IMAGE AND CHARTS WILL GO HERE)

Similarities:

• Both seem like really cool ideas when you start.
• There exists, in front of you, a human devised spinning mechanism of chance and destruction.
  
• You have a good chance of, suddenly and without warning, ruining your day.
• Even after experiencing good luck on the first few, you realize that the chance for disaster grows exponentially and can only end in tears (baby chicken tears).
• One of you will die. Well that may be an exageration. Let me rephrase.
  
• One of you will empty the contents of either your skull or your stomach. Whether by means of a gunpowder propulsed hollow tipped metal fragment or by a rotten-fish propulsed projectile of fishvomit.
• Both were invented in the prehistoric era, where instead of a gun, nomads would take turns running past sleeping dinosaurs until one of them was eaten, and instead of sushi, the nomads ate what was left of the loser.
  

Differences:

• Russian Roulette is played with a gun and bullets and brains, Sushi-go-round is played with a chef, sushi, and stomach. I have not yet determined which is the more dangerous. Science has maintained that we may never know.
  
• Death from Russian Roulette is quick and painless (usually). Taking a hit at Sushi-go-round will leave you screaming and spasming on a strange bathroom floor begging for death, but Death won't come.

BOTTOM LINE: After completing my research into both fields, it is the decision of this court that all humans, men, women, and children, should do everything in their power to avoid this "Sushi that goes around" . From henceforth I shall call it "Sushi that GETS around" because these fish must have hepatitis or something.

Russian Roulette still seems pretty cool though.