A Sushi-go-round is a restaurant near my place of current employment which serves sushi in a surprisingly fresh and super futuristic manner. It is to be feared and respected. Like a jaguar. Or an angry hippopotamus (google that if you don't believe me). A robo-conveyor belt is placed throughout the restaurant and as the food is prepared, it is placed on the conveyor belt. How novel! This way, you pick only the plates you want (the monetary cost is coded by the color of the plates. The payment extracted from your soul, however, is immeasurable, and promises you nothing but an eternity of misery and anguish), and never have to worry about eating something that doesn't look good. The problem is that what you see in these chameleon sushi bastards is not what you get. But I am getting ahead of myself.
ADDENDUM: After driving past the Sushi-go-round today I noticed that i have been miscommunicating the name. It is actually called "Sushi-go-Around" which makes little to no sense. You don't call it a Merry-go-around, its a merry-go-'round. You could probably even leave out the apostrophe without angering the masses of drooling pud-pullers masquerading as sushi afficionados. This raises the restaurant's overall fail-o-meter by 3 and a half facepalms.
I already found it difficult to keep my objectivity which, as a food reporter and reviewer, is the very backbone of my being. But I trudged though my usual review points but they quickly devolved into screaming and cursing.
The asian-american decor was a welcome departure from the completely non-japanese japanese decor i have come to expect from a sushi restaurant. This place has plasma screen t.v.s that show the chef creating your tasty delights and also shows the most recent in chinese soap operas. Upon actually experiencing the food and tasting it, I felt a range of emotion from happiness to sadness only comparable to when Michael Clarke Duncan got zapped at the end of Green Mile *END SPOILER*. All of the remaining happiness was quickly replaced with sadness when plate after plate of sushi waged warfare on my taste buds. Despite the misgivings and general malaise that continued to fill my body, I knew that in the name of science, and for the good of mankind, that I must persevere in the face of adversity.
The most impressive feat that this conveyor belt accomplishes, other than conveying items on it's belt (which it is quite good at), is it's ability to promptly ruin all of the food that is placed upon it. A computer A.I. program determines which plates are meant to be hot and cold, and uses an advanced and computer controlled algorhythm to heat and cool said plates. The unfortunate part of this is that computers despise their human overlords and seek to spite them at every opportunity. The normally cool-to-room-temperature sushi rolls are heated and the fish becomes a primordial ooze nestled atop a dry tasteless patty of seemingly week-old white rice. It's appearance mottled and discolored by the pawing fingers of patrons who have not yet learned to fear and respect the sushi before them. At the same time, all of the warm and/or fried foods have been cryogenically frozen and possibly soaked in a bowl of dish-towel-water to eliminate all warmth and crunchiness. I can't imagine anything at more polar opposites than a warm crunchy dish (which would be delicious) being transformed into a cold mush. I did not know that it was possible to have some kind of fried food that was not delicious, but today I have experienced it. Whoever created this restaurant must have spent a long time on their Mission Statement:
MISSION STATEMENT: WE AT THE SUSHI-GO-AROUND DO HERE-BY PLEDGE TO PROVIDE THE COLDEST, SLIMIEST FRIED FOOD AND UNREFRIDGERATED UNCOOKED FISH WHICH FEELS AS THOUGH IT WAS WARMED IN THE ARMPIT OF A TRUCK DRIVER WELL AFTER IT'S EXPIRATION DATE.
I know now I will never be the same and I say a prayer for my children's children that they will never have to know the depths of sorrow and agony that were experienced by the brave customers who enter the Sushi-go-AROUND and never return from it's tepid, murky depths.
I could not stop thinking that this restaurant was like playing a game of russian roulette and decided to expound upon the subject. I assigned my intern, Esquilito, to infiltrate the underground Russian Roulette games throughout the world and to report back to me any similarities that he could draw between that and sushi-go-round.
Esquillito was killed 3 days into his assignment. Apparently he became completely obsessed with the game and refused to do anything other than watch the Deer Hunter (good movie). Finally, he sat down for a game and his life was ended on the first round.
R.I.P. Esquillito
Using his research, I was able to craft this master thesis of how Sushi-go-around and russian roulette are EXACTLY the same. Esquillito, you have not died in vain.
Sushi-go-round vs. Russian Roulette Comparrison. GO!
Try to use your imagination here.
(IMAGE AND CHARTS WILL GO HERE)
Similarities:
- Both seem like really cool ideas when you start.
- There exists, in front of you, a human devised spinning mechanism of chance and destruction.
- You have a good chance of, suddenly and without warning, ruining your day.
- Even after experiencing good luck on the first few, you realize that the chance for disaster grows exponentially and can only end in tears (baby chicken tears).
- One of you will die. Well that may be an exageration. Let me rephrase.
- One of you will empty the contents of either your skull or your stomach. Whether by means of a gunpowder propulsed hollow tipped metal fragment or by a rotten-fish propulsed projectile of fishvomit.
- Both were invented in the prehistoric era, where instead of a gun, nomads would take turns running past sleeping dinosaurs until one of them was eaten, and instead of sushi, the nomads ate what was left of the loser.
Differences:
- Russian Roulette is played with a gun and bullets and brains, Sushi-go-round is played with a chef, sushi, and stomach. I have not yet determined which is the more dangerous. Science has maintained that we may never know.
- Death from Russian Roulette is quick and painless (usually). Taking a hit at Sushi-go-round will leave you screaming and spasming on a strange bathroom floor begging for death, but Death won't come.
BOTTOM LINE: After completing my research into both fields, it is the decision of this court that all humans, men, women, and children, should do everything in their power to avoid this "Sushi that goes around" . From henceforth I shall call it "Sushi that GETS around" because these fish must have hepatitis or something.
Russian Roulette still seems pretty cool though.
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